So Craig's List is sure big out here...especially the "free" section. I happened to reply to a post of someone giving away a baby grand piano for free! Never thinking I'd get it. Well, they called me and said some look at it! It was old and needed a good cleaning, but in fairly good condition for being old. We thought long and hard about it for a while and an interesting thing happened. I was excited about possibly owning a real piano again (I have a digital piano which I love because I never have to tune it, I can play at night with headphones which is about the only time I have to play anymore anyway, and it's a lot easier to arrange music since it records but there are times I miss the feel of a real piano) but isn't it funny how the older we get the less worried about self we have the opportunity to become.
Either parenthood increases our selfishness because you are upset you can't do what you want when you want anymore or decreases it because you suddenly see that you'd rather your family has what they want not because you're trying to be the martyr but because when they are truly happy you are truly happy. I've watched Bekah dance her ballet in the living room and watched as James has learned to crawl and cruise in the living room, and been able to cuddle up with Jason and watch movies in the living room...all which would have had to take place else where if we had this piano since it would take up most our living room. And I suddenly found myself not wanting to give those things up, even if it meant I could own a real piano again. I thought about my mom, having to give up horses for a family and I think I can say now although she loved training and showing horses and that whole life, she'd rather do what she's doing now. And she's not sad about it because her family brings her more joy than riding horses did.
I love music and playing the piano will always be a part of me that will never die, but it has become part of me in a different way now. It's my de-stresser and meditation, but, as opposed to when I was younger and yearned to play the piano several times a day sometimes, I find my yearnings to be with and play with my children growing stronger and taking place of some of those piano-yearnings. Playing the piano and creating music is fulfilling, but being a mother and watching my children's destinies being formed before my eyes is ultimately more fulfilling. And I'm grateful to be a part of it.
What does that scripture say? "He who loses his life for my sake, shall find it." I also find myself at peace with the knowledge that God always blesses us and compensates us many times over for our sacrifices. When we have a larger house and we're done moving frequently and the time is right maybe He'll bless us with a piano then. But for now, I'm content and feel fulfilled with having space to watch my children learn and love and play and grow into who they are supposed to be.
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