Conversion

Yes, it's been a year almost. I'll have to come back to that later. For now, I need to get this down.

Today in church Bro. Kim spoke. He is from Korea and can be hard to understand, but he always has the most amazing stories from his life. He opened by telling that his daughter from the time she was age 4 or 5 wanted to be a violinist. In time he and his wife sent her to a violin music school in Korea, but this school was expensive. He said eventually they didn't feel it was fair for them to spend so much money on this school when they had three other children who needed to go to school too, and they couldn't afford both. They told their daughter of this dilemma. She did some research and found a violin school in Siberia that cost half as much and she wanted to go there, so when she was 13 years old she said good-bye to her family and moved to Siberia to go to this music school. I don't think Bro. Kim knew about the conditions there in full until he went to visit her a few years later. The weather was often 30 degrees below zero! Very, very cold. The sun didn't come up until 11am or noon. Her first year there, she was the only Korean student.

Bro. Kim explained that his daughter decided when she moved there that she was going to attend church. She looked for a Latter-Day Saint church and found out how to get there. She would wear her fur coat with her Russian-style fur hat and walk 30 minutes in the very, very cold weather to get to the bus stop, where she would have to wait another 20 minutes or so for the bus to arrive. Once she arrived, it was another 15-minute walk to the church building. To get there in time she had to leave very early, but she did it. For the first hour of church, she was the accompanist. For the second hour, she taught her own age's Sunday school class. And after the three hour block, she stayed to lead the choir. Then she would walk to the bus station, wait for the bus, then walk back to the dormitory, where she would have missed the lunch time and have to wait for dinner. She was often very hungry. But she did this. Why?

Within a few years, there were 20 Korean students. There were 3-4 Korean Presbyterian churches nearby. The pastor would pick up this group of students (aside from Bro. Kim's daughter) later in the morning and drive them to the church for the one-hour service. Then the pastor's wife would cook them a full Korean meal, after which they stayed and played games together. There was also a computer there, the only one in the area they had access to, where they could chat and email their families. All this, Bro. Kim's daughter missed because she went all the way to the LDS church.

Today's Sunday School lesson was on Helaman and the young warriors who were so strong in the faith of God. This is from Alma Chapter 56: 47-48.

Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

We often think what amazing young men these were, to express such strong belief because of what their mothers taught them. We wonder, 'What kind of homes did these young men come from that would make them that converted?' Today, after hearing Bro. Kim speak and then hearing this Sunday School lesson, I couldn't help but wonder, 'What kind of home did this girl come from that would make her that converted? That she would be willing to sacrifice so much at such a young age?' And then comes the voice in my head, the question we all ask ourselves at times--Would I be willing to do that? Would I have faith sufficient to trust in God that much?

What a privilege it is for me to serve each hour of church, blessing others because the Lord has blessed me with talents. I hope I never will again complain at the load I feel I carry, when thousands of others across the world sacrifice so much just to be there and then fulfill callings that over here would be filled by five or more people. I am so blessed.

The Barbie Dilemma

I came across this post today. Very interesting. Not sure I will do what this mother did, but food for thought. Read, if you have a moment. Maybe buying the whole house with the family is worth saving up for...instead of the single, affordable Barbie doll. Just an idea.

Pretend it's April 2010

So for various reasons, many of which had to do with internet access being VERY sketchy for a while, I ended up going back to a written journal. And still I haven't stopped. I still love the idea of blogging, but I've found barriers to it.

1-Blogging involves the internet, and invariably I get distracted on the internet so it takes longer to blog than I have time for. I keep remembering things I was supposed to pay for online, or research online, or emails that have to get sent for church callings or other reasons...

2-I am a pretty decent typer. I can type fast. That's a good thing, and actually one of my reasons for blogging in the first place. But I've learned I can type so fast I don't have time to form my sentences before writing (or at least I don't take the time to do so), whereas with hand writing entries I can think about that while I write and say what I mean. And by virtue of the fact that my hand gets more tired I think I learn to be more brief (at least more brief than I would have been online).

3-You can edit what you write on a blog. This is too tempting to ignore for me. I can pour over a post for 30-60 minutes just making sure I said everything I was thinking and that I said it in a good way. Hand writing entries for the most part can't be edited easily so somehow I just turn off my brain to change what I write and just might rephrase it if needed, but I usually just write and don't read it over to remember what I said...again because I write it more slowly I think I remember it more as I'm writing more.

4-Blogging involves technology--like computers that either are being slow, or aren't working, or everyone wants to use at the same time. I can go anywhere with my journal and not have to worry about a strong internet connection or having children pull on my arms because they want to be on the computer too.

I didn't expect to post on the downsides to blogging...
But it explains why I haven't been writing.

So for my own family's sake (those both here and far away), I'm going back to April 2010 and going to do my best to highlight what's been happening.

April 9, 2010--Friday
I've discovered I love pruning--maybe not at the correct time of year, but I loved pruning our trees and bushes after the green leaves started coming out and the blossoms forming. It was easy to see what was dead and it felt good to do something outside in the sun, and you can see your progress. Purging things you don't need always makes it easier to breathe for me, and pruning seems sort of like that. It's sure easier than tackling the 'pruning' that needs to happen inside the house or inside myself. Couple that with the fact that you and your kids have been cooped up in the house for the winter and now we can spread out and not scream because we don't all want the same toy anymore because we're busy exploring--and you have a recipe for enjoying the moment.

April 10, 2010--Saturday
Dates: No matter how much your children protest you not only have to go on dates with your spouse, you need to tell your children that's where you are going and why you need them to go to bed on time. It shows them...
-your excited to be with your spouse
-he is important to you
-you make time for him just like you do for them
-it makes it even more respected by them (in the long run) and by you
'Home' dates are so much more real and actually work when you tell everyone that's what's happening ahead of time. You may not do anything new, but the name and expectation makes it more fulfilling and satisfying.
Even if it seems cheesy to call it a date. Even if your kids whine and complain and makes them try to stay up later. Even if it's easier to not let them know so they don't know what they're missing and they don't put up a fight. If that's what it takes to get you to respect your spouse and date night, then do it. And just by virtue of you respecting it, your children will learn and feel safe that their mom loves their dad and wants to be with him. And that feels good.
What's that quote? The greatest thing a husband (or wife) can do for their children is to love their mother (or father).
(Side note for Sept 2010: I'm definitely still working on this...summer plans and activities seem to throw schedules out the window and I'm still recovering!)

April 11, 2010--Sunday
(Sept 2010--I'm not going to each day, I promise!)
Jason's birthday! I was reflecting on birthdays in general, particularly feeling not great about remembering that I'm getting older each May 10th and somehow realized these things:
The older you get the more birthdays you can see so it's seems it's not worth celebrating cause it's just another year and you've had so many (I know some will laugh at this who are much wiser in years than I!). But tonight I learned something about giving. Birthdays are a chance for others to learn about the joy of giving. Do your children see you excited about giving? Do they know how to treat a gift with care and how to show you care about how it's given?

This led to this chain of thoughts:
We're born into this world.
Our parents are our entire world. (1)
Then parents are just part of our world (like when starting school). (2)
Then we don't want them to be a part of our world. (3)
They aren't part of our world. (4)
Soon we miss them being part of our world (5)
many times because we became parents too (6)
And realize how much a part of our world our parents are and have always been. (7)
Then, as we realize they are gone, they become our entire world. (8)

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could somehow stay in lines 1 and 8? This is a cycle of parenthood.
Sept 2010--more thoughts--The end result is the same as when we're born, but look how much now we've chosen it and are aware of it and feel it. So much to do with why our Heavenly Father needed to send us away for a while. Where am I on this chain with God? He was my entire world before I came to this earth. And He will be my entire world when I return to Him. So am I continuing on this chain? Do I appreciate Him as much as I should?

Had ward conference today and Bekah sang in church with the Marcucci girls part of "Jesus Once Was a Little Child". She was very nervous, but did wonderful! They sang the first part of the song and then the ward choir came in singing "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus". At the end of that, they all sing together
So little children, let's you and I,
Try to be like him,
Try, try, try.
I'm trying to be like him.
Very moving.
Pres. Labrum's talk that day: God doesn't require us to be moving at the same speed. He only cares that we're moving.
So let's you and I, try, try, try.

April 13, 2010--Tuesday

Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman in one day! Highly recommended for strengthening marriage.

April 16, 2010--Friday
Had to get a new washing machine, and I LOVE it! We brought the netbook with Muppet Babies episodes for the kids to watch in the shopping cart so Jason and I could really talk about what we're doing instead of refereeing the whole time. It was so nice to be able to shop together and make big decisions like that without anyone fighting or complaining! Isn't technology amazing! Then we had pre-dinner with shakes at Jamba Juice.

Funny saying by Bekah:
Jason likes to tease when we say one thing and it can mean another. And today is was getting frustrating to Bekah. She was talking about school library day and the books they were reading.
Bekah said "We were reading 'If You Give a Pig a Pancake'..."
Jason interjected "What? You ate pig pancakes?!"
B: "No! If You Give a Pig a Pancake!"
J: "What? You fed pancakes to pigs!"
B: (this is getting upset and mad at dad...but dad was only trying to joke and tease to make her smile)
(this is me talking for about 3-4 minutes about why dad does this and that he's only doing it in fun...he does understand you)
A couple minutes later...
Bekah says, "So today we read this book about a dad. He has this daughter. And he teases her a lot."
We busted up laughing!! So fun to hear her get it and to try to get back in fun.

April 17, 2010--Saturday
Fav things about today:
-Jason putting up our new mailbox!
-watching Bekah and JJ build a castle out of diaper boxes and blankets.
-JJ's random hugs to Bekah (oh and he started saying Bekah correctly last Sunday! Bekah was so happy she was literally speechless!)
-We got blizzards together!

April 22, 2010--Thursday
Led a book group discussion on The Purloined Letter by Edgar Allan Poe. I wonder if Dupin would have been able to solve it without first having the police inspector fail? Dupin made it seem so obvious but it was only obvious after seeing the more complete picture and observing someone else's actions.
Dupin's solution was to place himself in the shoes of G--- to think like he thinks. That is hard. But a valuable skill. Wish I could think like my kids to understand them better!
Taught another piano lesson today. Started end of March teaching one student, plus Bekah. Going great.
Bekah lost a tooth today! I guess the tooth fairy decided the longer it takes for teeth to fall out, the more $?? or maybe just more $ for teeth 5-8?? (She got 4 quarters instead of 2.)

April 24, 2010--Saturday
Bekah and I were doing a puzzle together. We were talking about friends at school and boyfriends. She told me she used to have a boyfriend. I vaguely knew this but had never heard her tell me before. So I asked her what happened.
She said "We just decided it wasn't appropriate at our age."
Awesome Bekah!

April 25, 2010--Sunday
Stake Conference today. Finished The Book of Mormon today. Met the stake goal!
Everything which inviteth to do good, which bears good fruits (helps people do good things)
is of God

April 29, 2010--Thursday
JJ's been going around saying "uh huh" instead of yes now, and in such a happy way!
On the 27th he went downtown on the train with Jason and me and saw so many "people" and "buildings". Learning new words like crazy.

I've always heard if you want someone to trust and respect you, you have to show trust and respect towards them.
How do you make a 7yr old feel trusted?

April 30, 2010--Friday
Tornado watch again this afternoon/evening. Sirens didn't go off but it looked ominous for a while there. We were safe. My prayers were answered.

Started reading A Well Trained Mind tonight. Starting to think more about what to do for Bekah and school. First grade is a challenge. I don't want her to start hating school and learning, or to be labeled. I thought I'd never homeschool...I had so many reasons for why it wasn't a good idea in general or why having her gone during the day makes me a better mother because I get "me" time or bonding time with James. It's just what's done. You send your kids to public or private school. And, forgive me for saying it, homeschool was for people who seem like they don't fit in or are trying to "bubble" themselves away from the world. (Which is funny I think this since I sort of homeschooled for high school.) I would so be doing private school if we had the money. So my options are limited. But this book is amazing at making you feel like you can do it and that it's important to sacrifice now to give your child what they need to have a life full of loving learning. As a mother, it's amazing once you realize that you love your child and you truly want whats best for them that you're willing to do what they need, even if it means great sacrifice. I think that might be one of the greatest lessons of motherhood.

Stuck in the Moment

I have to admit that I've been slacking on blogging. As I have been getting more into blogging and keeping in touch with others through the internet, I have been getting stuck with my own blog. And it's not that I feel like I HAVE to be blogging. It's this...
It's so invigorating at first to get so many cool ideas for crafting or read about inspirational life stories on other people's blogs. It becomes addicting to see the latest posts or projects and ride others' emotional roller coasters. I sure have gained strength from seeing others stay strong through trials or even just keep going when life seems to be mundane. So pretty soon it becomes more fun to read others' blogs than post on your own. That's certainly easier than trying to explain your own life and learn from it. But then some really not-so-good things can starting poking around in your mind...things like 'I guess I'll wait to post until I finish that one project I've been working on so I can have something like that to say on my blog', 'I'll wait until something exciting happens', and then you start thinking 'yet another day where I didn't finish that project' or 'something exciting didn't happen again', and then the clincher 'I must not be creative like others are' and before you know it you're in a downward spin...it's depressing! The great things about blogging can get overwhelmed with the not-so-good things of blogging, and then you feel like 'ahhh! I just started something else I can't keep up with!' (Which is another thing I struggle with balance on...technology and me have a love/hate relationship...I can navigate it fine, but it sure does seem to make life less simple...maybe I'll post more about that later.)

It's so surprising at times to me how Satan can work his way into every good thing to make it into something that benefits his purpose if you let it. So it's the same old challenge of finding balance in all things. This doesn't mean I'll give up blogging so I don't get tempted to go near his traps, but it does mean I need to be more careful. I already have seen so many good things for myself and my family coming from this. (I think I will try to set some better realistic expectations for myself and keep focused on the positive. Maybe even set some limits. Sometimes parents need those just as much as kids.)

And one of those great things about blogging for me is that in written form I do at times feel like I am creating something. Maybe my blog isn't filled with the sewing projects I've started or would like to start (because sewing is one of my loves), but I feel like when I spend time like this to reflect I am creating a sense of self, a stronger sense of family, a stronger sense of spirituality. I am creating something. Some say that women have more of a need to create and nurture than men...I don't know. But I know I don't feel happy if I'm not creating.

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." -William Blake

This was quoted in a movie I saw recently, like this:
" 'I must create'...something...'or be enslaved by another man's'...oh, something, I can't remember...'my business is to create'...something...what is the something! All I know is if you don't figure out the 'something' you just stay ordinary. And it doesn't matter if it's a work of art, or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something new and there it is. And it's you out in the world, outside of you, and you can look at it or hear it or read it or feel it. And you know a little bit more about you. A little bit more than anybody else does."

This struck home to me. Every day I create something. Is it a good creation? Can I make it better tomorrow? Sometimes maybe the only thing I create is dinner. And a packaged dinner at that because the day was falling apart and I want to try better in the future, but it's enough for today. Or maybe I created a moment in time while reading to my children. Those little things are what add up to big things. I just have to keep noticing them and enjoying them. Goodness knows as a mother there is so much more to create in that child after it's born than when you're creating it inside yourself. But there are times when you need to create something that's just for you too.

I just finished reading "Tending Roses". Really good read. Goes right along with this. Something about "the times when my life was the best were then times when the roses grew wild"; meaning if gardening your roses is your favorite hobby, or in my case, sewing is your favorite hobby, we can't forget that the best times of our lives are when we don't have time to give our hobbies as much attention as we would like to. And be okay with that and enjoy what you can.

Part of one of my favorite U2 songs:

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now...my oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass

Here's to getting 'unstuck' and making more time to notice and think about what I am creating.

Sunday Sermons & Riches

This is from Kelly Dobbins' talk in church yesterday. When their family first moved into the ward they only had a 2-yr old boy, named Nathan, and they were living in a small 2-bedroom apartment. Another family in the ward asked if they would house-sit for them while they were gone. Their house was much larger and nicer and the Dobbins loved being there. One day when they got home from this other family's house, Nathan said, "I like their house. I wish we could have a house like that." Kelly said (as would I!) "Me, too!" thinking of how much more space it had. Then Nathan said, "No mom," as if to say 'you don't understand', "I like the feeling in that house. I like the pictures of Jesus." Very soon after they purchased some pictures of the Savior to put around their house.

That reminded me of how lucky I am. (And how I need to get more inspiring pictures!) Yes our house does feel small at times (although all I have to do is reflect on our 1-bedroom apartment at Budge Hall and feel like it's huge!). Sometimes I think about when we can buy that house that just needs carpet and paint and has space for entertaining and running around, where the kids have more space to be creative and we can have that nice sewing/craft room and Jason's library and office and maybe even TWO whole bathrooms, not to mention a master bathroom and a walk-in closet...anyway, the list never ends for many of us. But it's stories like these and the things I see in my kids' faces that remind me that I don't need all that to make home a place we want to be and where we can make good memories. We don't need a lot of space and a lot of stuff to make it a place where we can feel the Spirit. Aren't kids humbling? Pictures do make a big difference. Music is another one for me. Doesn't matter how small of a space you have, you can still put on crazy, fun music and dance with your kids while you clean up the living room or sweep the floor. And then there's the quiet, make-you-think-more music you can put on while you all color pictures or do puzzles or just play with eachother's hair, or when putting the kids to bed. Those are the kinds of things that matter to me. And it's remembering those things that make it easier to turn down the volume on the voices inside me that crave for more of what I don't have, so I can enjoy what I have today.

That leads me to another thing I've been thinking about--the "I'll feel rich when..." list. I can't remember where I read or heard this, but a young married couple decided to make a list of the things that they didn't have that would make them feel like they were rich. When you're first starting out, or when you're still in school, some of those simple things seem like luxury. Things like (just examples, these aren't mine) "I'll feel rich when I get a nice new couch instead of the hand-me-down or DI couch we got when we got married," or "I'll feel rich when I can afford to get real shaving cream instead of using soap on my legs!" or being able to get Kraft Mac-n-Cheese instead of store brand. You get the idea. What was amazing to this couple is they sort of forgot about the list and found it 5 years later or so and were surprised to find they had almost everything on the list...but didn't feel rich. So they learned that they wanted to remind themselves of what they did without before so they could not take it for granted anymore. And so they could stop thinking of themselves as being poor.

At first I thought, "Making a list like this will only make me more greedy and make me dwell too much on what I don't already have." But then I started to see it as a way to reflect more on my life to see what really would make me enjoy life more. And sometimes putting things down on paper helps me see how silly that thing is, or even how much I value that but had forgotten. So I've started to see it as a way to realize goals I might want to set in order to take charge of my life instead of letting life's circumstances take charge of me. And then it becomes empowering. So when we reach something on that list we can say, "Okay, I reached that place. Do I really need more than this?" and be able to stand back and say, "Okay life and world, stop telling me it's not enough." It's a way to re-evaluate our priorities and think about what we'd like to have happen in our lives.

I guess the most vivid personal example that struck me recently was this one. Instead of wallowing in pity about how I don't like my haircut or hair color and dreaming of how I wish my hair was like so-and-so's, adding "Being able to get my hair cut and colored regularly" to my "I'll feel rich when..." list for me pulls me straight out of my pity-party by actually quantifying what it is that I don't like about my life or myself right now. And just by quantifying it makes it that much easier to see how to make it happen. And then it doesn't seem so far away or hard to make happen and maybe even helps me see something else I'd rather do without so I can have this. I just need to make a plan, talk with my spouse about it, and make it happen. (Jason and I have had this discussion already. He would say something like "This is what I've been telling you!" because for months out of every year I walk around complaining that I need a haircut and he'll tell me to go and I don't because I just get stuck feeling sorry for myself or not feeling like I can spend the money on me or I don't make a plan. It's my own fault.)

Having said that, though, putting this in writing somehow helps me step back and see it from a distance and ask myself, "Do I really need that to feel rich?" How does feeling rich feel? What does it take to get there?" I realize in the eternal grand scheme of things having my hair colored isn't super important compared to a lot of other things. It would be nice. But I sure do have a lot of riches all around me already.

Quick Thoughts from Church

I just came across a loose piece of paper with statements I heard during a church meeting a while back and I didn't want to forget what I learned that day.

-If Christ were to enter your home, would He want to stay and linger?

-A child provided the five fishes. Who do you think helped him prepare his lunch that day? Was his mother in tune with the Spirit to know to pack extra?

-We can't read our scriptures with one eye and pray with only half a heart. Although time is not wasted, it's not very productive.

Maybe I'll start doing this more often. I think I'll recall the "thoughts" easier if I retype them and I'm more likely to revisit them here, than if I file them away in some bottomless pit of a pile that I'd like to think will be organized some day.